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In a truly historic move, Donald J. Trump, the 45th president of the United States, announced his resignation early Wednesday at the White House rose garden in response to a citizen who offered his own left nut in exchange for the president’s departure from office. The move, topping off a tumultuous first six weeks of a presidency riddled with leaks, massive public protests, ethics violations, and breaches of constitutional law, will simultaneously make Mr. Trump remembered for the shortest-lived and also the most gut-wrenchingly idiotic president of literally anything in the history of everything. Horace Pinzer, the brave testicle donor and a resident of Little Rock, Arkansas, said the time had simply come to take drastic measures.
“I was talking to a good friend of mine, about the whole fucking fucked up thing,” commented Pinzer, “You know, the thing where the giant bag of shit with sculpted hay for a haircut ends up in the White House—and in the course of the conversation, he turns to me and he says, ‘How far would you go to get rid of this guy? Would it be worth a kick in the nuts?’ And so I said, ‘Goddamn, it would be worth my nuts—heck, at least one. For sure.” Apparently, the whole decision to make the official offer to the White House took no more than fifteen seconds and a half sip of beer between the time Pinzer articulated the thought to the time when he made the request public on Twitter.
It wasn’t long before the president tweeted back, “Got nice balls? Prove it. Then we’ll talk. #Balltalkforbigboys” Breaking numerous violations of ethics and, you know, just sanity in general, the President of the United States contacted Pinzer personally in a phone call at 1:53pm EST to arrange a viewing of the balls. After skyping in a live feed of his hairless and supple nutsack late Tuesday to the oval office, Trump was quick to react.
“I was skeptical at first,” said Trump in his momentous press briefing the following day, “but I just have one word, and one word only, for what I saw hanging from that young man’s crotch: Glorious. Simply glorious. I mean, we all took turns examining them, and I think I speak for really everyone when I tell you that these balls are golden, they are spectacular, and let me tell you people, they pop. Truly. They’re yuge, and juicy, and just what our country needs. So of course I’m going to step down, who gives a shit—after what I just saw in there—it’s quite obvious I have to get my hands on a ball like that. No question. Totally worth it, big time.” Reporters stationed at organically bubbling Trump rallies around the nation said there was a sudden look of confusion and panic exchanged between various Trump supporters in the crowds as they watched the spectacle play out on live television. Others in the rallies seemed not to notice what was really happening, and with zoned out looks of mild pleasure continued to chant “Make America great again,” and wave American flags. One man at a Tea Party gathering in Memphis, Tennessee even shouted “Grab Em by the Balls!” with echoed cheers from fellow sympathizers, seemingly oblivious to the bizarre poetic irony of the situation.
Meanwhile, for his selfless donation, Pinzer has already been named as the award winner for the Nobel Peace Prize, given a Medal of Honor from the United States Armed Forces—who commended the action of Pinzer, a veteran, for “unwavering and focused service to his country’s highest office well beyond his tours of duty”—and 5 million dollars from the National Physicians Alliance to cover the costs and psychological help associated with undergoing the required surgery.
As a swarm of reporters and volunteer surgeons and other health professionals gathered at Pinzer’s house today, he said he was grateful and overwhelmed by the tremendous spirit of comradery that has finally united a nation that has too often been gripped by political backstabbing and paranoia over terrorism. “And though I will miss little Chester, as he was called,” he added, solemnly looking down at his junk for one last time before putting on a hospital gown and heading via ambulance to St. Barnard’s Surgical and Bariatric unit, “His legacy will remain, as the ‘besticle testicle’ there ever was. The ball will be gone—probably fondled at great length in some creepy sex tape with the now former president—but the legend will carry on for generations. I give this sacrifice to my grandchildren, and my grandchildren’s children—to let the world know, for generations to come, that having a really shitty president actually makes it worth ripping out your own nuts and simply handing over the goods. If that’s what it takes, then that’s what it takes. Yessir.”